‘Oops! I Did It Again’ by Britney Spears in the key of DH

I think I did it again
I made you believe, I’d clean up the house
Oh baby, it might seem like a joke
But I am for realz, I’m not doing coke.
‘Cause to clean up all of the rooms
That is so something that I’ll do
Oh baby, baby

Oops! I did it again
I fucked it all up, forgot to clean house
Oh baby, baby
Oops! You think I’m an ass
That all I do is pass mad gas
I’m such an idiot!

You see my problem is this
I’m dicking away
All of the free time I told you exists
I just go on ebay
Can’t you see I’m a fool, for cars like Mustangs.
But you lose your mind and temper
When you know full well I’ll fuck up.
Oh baby, baby

Oops! I did it again
I fucked it all up, forgot to clean house
Oh baby, baby
Oops! You think I’m an ass
That all I do is pass mad gas
I’m such an idiot!

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Doing Things DH Style – What’s a ‘garbage can’?

I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT.  Seriously, I just don’t.  I know for a FACT that DH has seen what garbage cans look like, knows what their purpose is, and knows the general locations of said garbage cans in our house.  But for whatever reason, he doesn’t seem to get the concept of actually USING them.

I’ll give you an example.  He’ll grab an individual italian ice cup from the freezer, peel the top off, and LEAVE IT ON THE COUNTER.

WHY?????????????????

I mean, it’s not like I hide the garbage can and he’d have to go on a quest full of riddles, venomous snakes, and quirky side kicks in order to throw out said italian ice top.  It’s the same for anything else: empty salad mix bag, wrappers, empty plastic soda bottles (yeah, he’s not too familiar with the recycling bin either), and a host of other things that I must randomly pick up in my travels through the house like a hobo to take back to my box in the alley.

I’ve tried shaming him into throwing things out himself (‘I’m not your Mommy, you’re a big boy, clean up after yourself’), nagging him (:sigh: ‘When are you going to throw that out?’ and ‘Don’t forget to throw that out’), and just plain complaining (‘God, is it SO HARD to just THROW sh*t out?!?!’).  So far, no method has proven successful.  Any suggestions are welcome with open arms – and an empty garbage can.

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Making Fun of Dummy Hubbies – Chivalry is Dead

When a DH opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing…

the car is new.

And yes, that is his new car and my new house :)

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Making Fun of Dummy Hubbies – Better with Age

“I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine – he gets better with age.  The next day, she locked me in the cellar.  Not cool.” -Anonymous Dummy Hubby

 

Happy Holidays everyone!

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Doing Things DH Style – ‘How was your day?’

This is a question that I ask everyday when DH gets home, but I never know what I’m going to get in response. Sometimes it’s just a ‘not bad’ or ‘I got x number of listings’ or the like. But sometimes, he just wants to talk to talk. Which is what happened last night. Not only did he give me a run down of his day’s most entertaining happenings, but he then proceeded to touch upon every news matter he could think of. It was like having Yahoo! News be read to me.

For an hour and a half.

No, I’m not exaggerating.

I thought he may get the hint that maaaaaybe he was starting to talk just to talk at about the 45 minute mark when my eyes started to get heavy and gloss over. But no, he just forged ahead, determined to discuss random things he’d read about during the day. So when he finally finished his oratory at 9:30pm, I was exhausted and had a small headache from trying to pay attention to Professor Benya’s lecture. I didn’t even have a pad of paper to take notes on to keep me focused haha. I think I’ll get a reprieve from another In The News lecture for a little while after I gave him crap about it when he finally wrapped it up.

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Back to Biscuits – Fried Chicken and Kim Kardashian

These posts describe examples of the kinds of roundabout ways conversations between Mr. Jeopardy and I can go. Basically, ‘back to biscuits’ conversations start out about Topic A, then DH will veer off course and go for Topic B which has randomly popped up in his head, then we’ll get ‘back to biscuits’ with Topic A. Inevitably, Mr. Jeopardy will try to connect how Topic A reminded him of Topic B. Don’t get frustrated; take your time following the connection explanation.

Topic A: What fried chicken chain is the most nom nom worthy.
Topic B: That Kardashian chic just got married…and now she’s getting divorced?
Connection: Fried chicken –> Juicy chicken breasts –> Big boobies –> Celebs in the news with big boobies –> Kim Kardashian

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Doing Things DH Style – Thanksgiving

Last year, Mr. Jeopardy decided he wanted to do a 5k run the morning of Thanksgiving. Totally cool with me, he did one a year or two prior. But since I was doing the cooking last year, I let him leave at 6am with one of the dogs in tow to go run while I slept a little longer before prepping for the big meal. He decided to bring along the biggest dog we have since she has the most energy, being a German Shepherd/Lab mix.

The race was outdoors but the race check in table was located inside a building at the start line. Since they wouldn’t allow anyone to bring their dogs in, people were having family or friends watch their dogs while they went in to get their race number. Since I was not along for this adventure, Mr. Jeopardy asked a nice gentleman by the door if he would watch our dog while he ran in and signed in. The nice man agreed and waited a couple feet from the glass doors, leash in hand, for my DH to come back out.

What my DH seemed to forget was that our dog gets anxious fairly easily – and being left with a stranger in a strange place was a double whammy. He wasn’t inside for more than a minute or two before he heard people gasping and yelling ‘Watch out!’ He turned to be greeted by our dog – sans collar and leash – jumping up to give him a hug and lots of face kisses. The nice gentleman was not far behind the dog, holding the leash and empty collar, a stricken look on his face.

My DH told the man not to worry, that it wasn’t his fault she’d weaseled her way loose, but he decided that our dog had enough excitement and anxiety for the day and simply came home.

While I know the dog was tired from her adventure, I can’t seem to figure out why Mr. Jeopardy needed such a long nap when he got home – not like he actually RAN the race.

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If Mr. Jeopardy did this to me, I’d pull the plug and walk out

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side…You know what?’

‘What dear?’ she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

‘I’m beginning to think you’re bad luck….’

Note to self: get additional life insurance policies on Mr. Jeopardy

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No, DH, I don’t know where you left your keys

This is probably what it looks like when he realizes that he's just locked himself out of the house.

I think every DH is naturally disorganized and scatterbrained. It’s just in their DNA. Hence, wives like me must become unnaturally adept at naming off places where misplaced items would be. The puzzlers that Mr. Jeopardy supplies me with almost daily are:

  1. Where are my keys?;
  2. Where is my wallet?;
  3. Where is my phone? Can you call it?; and
  4. Did you find my keys yet?!? DAMN IT I’M GOING TO BE LATE! #*&%# I’m gonna need your spare key for my car.

He has also successfully locked himself out of the house on numerous occasions, either by leaving his home key inside before leaving for work or, more likely, forgetting his home key at his office. Since I work about an hour away from home, this is one thing that I can’t come to the rescue for.

Or can I???

Yes, after the first time or two DH grumpily called saying he was locked out of the house, I had a spare key made and gave it to our friend who lives and works nearby. Mr. Jeopardy has called the friend (or savior) a couple times since to let him into the house – and to ask to borrow his car when DH can’t find his own damn car key.

The boy will never learn.

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Making Fun of Dummy Hubbies – Naked Uncle Ted

A DH gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the wife.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You rotten bastard,” says the DH. “My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

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